Abuse is a Choice
A common myth about domestic abuse is that someone is unable to control their own abusive behavior; that abusing a spouse or partner means that one is out of control and cannot help themselves.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
99.9% of the time, domestic abusers are in complete control of themselves and their actions are a choice. Whether their actions are to make all your decisions for you or control your money, friends, or freedom, or even hurt you physically, the action was a choice and the choice was made to control YOU.
Here’s how it works:
Common ways of manipulating the unsuspecting partner is to create a space of complete dominance; the victim becomes a possession and has no life of their own. This is allows the abuser to control every aspect of their partner’s life. Much of the power comes from continual humiliation. When the victim begins to feel completely worthless, the abuser can then lay the blame for their actions on the victim. If the victim hadn’t made them angry or hadn’t been so stupid, so embarrassing, so disappointing, so you-name-it, the abuse would never have happened.
Many times a potentially abusive person can be incredibly kind or inoffensive in one relationship and a repulsive and even dangerous tyrant in another. This is because an abuser must have the appropriate victim in order to control and dominate; most abusive behavior comes from the desire to control and manipulate the unsuspecting. Someone with a fragile self-image can be made to believe that they are stupid, worthless, defective, an embarrassment. Once that is achieved the abusive partner can weld supreme power over the victim, from insults and public humiliation to physical and sexual abuse to complete isolation.
So remember an abuser is NOT out of control; on the contrary, they have complete control of themselves and also their victims. Without this control, abuse would not be able to continue.
Being aware of abusive behavior is being safer and smarter.
