RSACC

When you hear the words “domestic abuse”, what is your first reaction?

For most people these words immediately create the mental image of a suffering spouse with black eyes, and possible broken bones. However, although physical abuse is definitely part of the abuse cycle, domestic abuse can involve much more and usually does. And because domestic abuse usually involves areas other than physical violence, many do not see the suffering of friends or even members of their own family. Ironically, sometimes one can actually be blind to the fact that they, themselves, are involved in an abusive relationship.

“Wait,” you ask. “How can one possibly miss the fact that they are in the center of domestic abuse?”

Good question.

The answer is that abuse can, and usually does, come in many forms besides the physical. In fact, physical abuse in the home is called domestic violence, while mental & emotional abuses are actually the conditions considered “domestic abuse”. Most of the time domestic abuse will be tied into serious control issues and the desire for complete domination by a spouse or significant other. This kind of abuse starts with the need for control; it can readily be seen when a spouse completely takes over his or her mate’s time, money, friends, wardrobe, or even diet.

The next step is usually a constant belittling and demeaning verbal onslaught, which will include massive amounts of guilt and shame. Abusive people use these tactics so that the abused will feel that they deserve their mate’s scorn and harsh treatment. This allows for more abuse to be heaped upon the victims as they become convinced that they have earned their companion’s constant disdain and ridicule. As the abuser adds generous doses of fear and intimidation, the victim succumbs to the feelings of guilt and begins to believe that he/she is not only worthless but the actual cause of the problem. Once begun, this vicious cycle is extremely hard to break out of, but it can be done.

Recognizing domestic abuse is the first step to healing.

The last thing one wants to think about in a new romance are the signs of a potential abuser. Yet if one is serious about a relationship, there are certain danger signals one should be aware of.

Some of these early signs are not easy to recognize or to even equate with abuse. It can be something as romantic as a whirlwind courtship with an overly attentive suitor. The perfect man-of-your-dreams, who suddenly steps into your life and quickly sweeps you off your feet with his love and generosity (not to mention his extreme protection), can be the first warning signs for the beginnings of a relationship from hell.

Here are a few things to watch for that can signify an unhealthy and potentially combustible relationship:

Your New Love Must Be With You at All Times
When your new romance must be with you every moment and needs a full report when you are out of their sight, you may have a problem.

Their Feelings are Easily Hurt Over Tiny Infractions.
If you find yourself apologizing continually for every little nuance, you may have a problem.

Instant Jealousy
If there is an immediate jealous reaction over any attention bestowed upon, or given by you, you may have a problem.

“Loving Actions” That Can Ultimately Keep You Isolated
When the Object of Your Affection begins to make long-term plans that can separate you from your job/school/profession or even your family, you may have a problem.

Blaming You for Their Anger

If you find yourself accused as the cause of every disagreement, whether mild or fiery, you may have a problem.

Although, in a new relationship, it is sometimes hard to see the telltale signs of a potential abuser, it is wise to understand the forms and disguises where potential abuse can hide. This is a case where it is definitely better to be safe than sorry.

The first sign of an abusive relationship to be aware of is internal and should be easy: ARE YOU AFRAID OF YOUR SPOUSE?

Are you in constant “duck and cover” mode? Do you have to watch what you say for fear of an angry tirade over subjects that seem benign? Are you constantly criticized or belittled? Has your partner taken your belongings? Or even destroyed them? Has your partner limited your access to the outside world? Are you treated horribly in front of family and friends? Are you the blame for EVERYTHING GONE WRONG? Do you believe you are stupid and worthless and deserve to be demeaned? Yelled at? Ignored? Blamed? And, most important, are you fearful of physical punishment? Has your partner threatened you? Or even your loved ones? Has he/she become violent?

Any of the above constitutes an abusive relationship. This implies that you may be in danger and that no matter how much you may think you love the person or how much you may deserve ridicule, at the least, and physical harm, at the most, you MUST leave and get to a place of safety.

If a partner is continually jealous or angry, threatening and controlling, you are in the midst of an abusive relationship and it is not going to get better. And more than your self-esteem is at risk; it could be your very life. Or even your children. There is no way to “fix” this relationship, especially if you feel you deserve the abuse. The only thing you can do is get to a place of safety and away from the situation, so that you can assess what is really going on and what your role in it is. There, you can clear your mind to determine if you need professional help and what the next steps might be.

Remember the famous words of Einstein:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

A common myth about domestic abuse is that someone is unable to control their own abusive behavior; that abusing a spouse or partner means that one is out of control and cannot help themselves.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

99.9% of the time, domestic abusers are in complete control of themselves and their actions are a choice. Whether their actions are to make all your decisions for you or control your money, friends, or freedom, or even hurt you physically, the action was a choice and the choice was made to control YOU.

Here’s how it works:

Common ways of manipulating the unsuspecting partner is to create a space of complete dominance; the victim becomes a possession and has no life of their own. This is allows the abuser to control every aspect of their partner’s life. Much of the power comes from continual humiliation. When the victim begins to feel completely worthless, the abuser can then lay the blame for their actions on the victim. If the victim hadn’t made them angry or hadn’t been so stupid, so embarrassing, so disappointing, so you-name-it, the abuse would never have happened.

Many times a potentially abusive person can be incredibly kind or inoffensive in one relationship and a repulsive and even dangerous tyrant in another. This is because an abuser must have the appropriate victim in order to control and dominate; most abusive behavior comes from the desire to control and manipulate the unsuspecting. Someone with a fragile self-image can be made to believe that they are stupid, worthless, defective, an embarrassment. Once that is achieved the abusive partner can weld supreme power over the victim, from insults and public humiliation to physical and sexual abuse to complete isolation.

So remember an abuser is NOT out of control; on the contrary, they have complete control of themselves and also their victims. Without this control, abuse would not be able to continue.

Being aware of abusive behavior is being safer and smarter.

We can never really know what goes on in the private lives of friends and family and most of the time it is none of our business. However, there are some pretty sure warning signals when there may be domestic abuse or, in some cases, domestic violence going on in the lives of our close acquaintances. In these circumstances, it is wise to sit up and take notice of odd behavior.

If a good friend’s outward demeanor changes drastically you might want to ask questions. For instances, if they seem full of fear, for no apparent reason, or need to “report in” constantly to their partner/spouse. Perhaps their dialog may change to signify that their partner has become very possessive or they may even fear to say anything that will make the spouse look bad and will agree with everything that is said and done, no matter how outrageous.

If you notice that they are receiving constant and harassing phone calls when they are visiting or suddenly seem very depressed or even suicidal, then there could very well be serious abuse going on in their private life. Or if suddenly they are not “allowed” to see people, can’t go anywhere without their spouse, and have little or no access to a car or to money, then it’s “Houston, we may have a problem” time.

As a friend, it is your duty to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to be straightforward but be sure that your friend knows that your discussion is private and just between the two of you. It is your duty to speak out if you suspect abuse and see these kinds of psychological signs. Realize that if your suspicions are true, then your friend is caught in a dangerous trap and may feel there is no hope and that no one cares. When you speak up, not only will you show that someone cares, but you just might save his/her life.

Seems like a silly question, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t all abuse victims know when they are the subjects of abuse? Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy to detect, especially early in the relationship. Sometimes abuse doesn’t become obvious until one is well into a marriage or partnership and usually with a lot more at stake.

Abuse can be subtle, especially at first. You might excuse your spouse’s actions because it may seem silly to fret over something like mood swings or the fact that you are rarely able to see your friends or family. But understand that abusers know what they are doing. An abuser doesn’t “just lose” his/her temper. Abuse is calculated and controlled.

In fact, it is all about control. Control of you.

If you have any misgivings or fears about your relationship, then it is wise to ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Are you afraid? Does your partner sometimes scare you? Do you ever fear for your personal safety? Are you regularly accused of being unfaithful? Are you forced into sexual situations that you find revolting? Are your finances controlled by your partner?

Realize that in domestic abuse, degradation is the name of the game. If your partner is consistently demeaning or ridiculing you, this is abuse. If you feel consistently humiliated or fearful, then you are experiencing domestic abuse. If you are isolated and kept from your social peers; if your partner or spouse has gotten in the way of your schooling, your job or even your hobbies, or if you have no control over the car, your money or your time, you are being controlled and abused.

The best thing you can do is to become aware. Are you fearful? Isolated? Controlled? This is called domestic abuse; it will not go away. If this is happening in your life, then it is best to face it sooner rather than later.

When most of us think of domestic violence, we think of battered women, used and physically abused by husbands or lovers. To the average person such a despicable and horrendous act is worthy of criminal prosecution. And yet, as hard as it is to believe, many victims of domestic violence are men. In fact over 3 million men per year are physically assaulted by a partner/spouse.

We do not often hear of battered men because, in the first place, many do not believe them. Many times when a man calls a help line they are told that the help is only for women. When a woman is a victim of domestic violence, she is always told that it is not her fault. Regrettably, men are often laughed at or made fun of by those that are supposed to help domestic abuse victims. And often, if a man is attacked by his spouse, even with a weapon, and reports it, he can be the one arrested.

There is also the “manly” issue.

Men are supposed to be stronger and able to handle the “little woman”. It can be embarrassing to acknowledge that you are being battered by your wife or girlfriend. Unfortunately, women can also pack a punch, handle a gun or knife, and inflict pain or even death. Although most assaults by females against men are relatively minor, some do result in homicide. And most abused men do not retaliate against the abuser even though they are much stronger and could inflict real damage.

Many times men are also reluctant to leave an abusive relationship because they do not want to lose their children. If they leave, they leave their children with an abusive parent. Even when the woman is the abuser, the children will usually go to her in the case of divorce.

It is necessary that the public becomes educated and made aware of male victims of domestic abuse. This is a big step toward allowing men the proper help and counseling to work toward a better life.

What should you do if you suspect that a friend or loved one is being abused?

The first thing is to take the initiative and talk to them in private. Talk about your concerns and what you suspect. If your suspicions are correct and they want to talk, then let them; just be a true friend and listen. If they are reluctant to talk but it is obvious that what you have discerned is correct, then let them know that you are there for them and are willing to help as much as possible, if they need it. Let them know that you will always be a listening ear and you will also keep what ever is said in the strictest confidence; that the conversation is private between just the two of you.

Do NOT use force or pressure; if your friend is in trouble and deep in an abusive relationship, they have already had plenty of force. Also do not judge- just listen. Let them talk without interruption and do not give advice. An observing friend with a listening ear can do much to awaken a suffering loved one to their predicament and allow them to see it for what it is. Do not place restrictions or conditions on your help. For instance, do NOT say that you will only support them if they leave the abusive mate. They might not be ready for such a move and you may lose any hope of helping them in the complete understanding of their situation and moving beyond it.

Above all, if you suspect a friend is being abused don’t wait for them to speak up. They may too afraid or humiliated to face up to the abuse with a friend. Many times they have been so controlled and devastated that they believe they deserve abuse.

By taking the initiative, not only can you help them, you might just save their life.

The foundation of all domestic abuse is blame. Once in a while an abusive person might blame their behavior on other factors, such as a bad day at the office, but most of the time abusers blame their victims. If their partner would behave, there would be no abuse. Abusers are terrific at showing their victims exactly how any abuse is their fault.

“If you would stop making me mad!” “If you weren’t so utterly stupid!” “If you would just do exactly as I say!” “If you would keep your family away from here!”

Abusers are especially good at shifting the blame when there are authorities involved.

“If my spouse wasn’t so clumsy, she wouldn’t have fallen and given herself a black eye!”

Abusers threaten and scare their victims into doing exactly as they say: if you don’t drop those criminal charges, they threaten to kill you, the family pet, or even themselves; everything is fair game.

You see, the Blame Game is all about control; control of the victim, including every aspect of their lives. And because the victim has usually been so humiliated and manipulated through abusive actions, they learn to blame themselves for the abuse that comes to them day after day.

Most of the time the abuse is a set up by the abuser. The victim may be sent to do something and when the victim does not make it home at exactly the time that the abuser has set (without informing the victim, of course), the victim is then accused of everything from stealing to fornication and is punished accordingly.

In domestic abuse, the easiest way for an abuser to gain control is for the victim to become so completely degraded that they, too, blame themselves for the abuse that is poured down on them day in and day out.

After all, the abuser had no choice.

When one finally realizes that the abusive relationship they are in has exceeded the limits of endurance, what is the next step? Escape, obviously; but how does one manage that and stay safe? Even more important, how does one escape with children, while keeping them safe?

Escape from an abusive situation needs some serious planning. If you are involved with an abuser who has control of your bank account and credit cards, not to mention family automobiles and every second of your time, then planning is of the essence.

The first thing to do is to find one person you can trust who will help you from beginning to end. Next, gather important items and keep them in a safe place. This can include, necessary papers such as legal documents and financial records, extra keys, money, medications, and clothing. Anything that is of personal value to you must go into your “safety place” because once you leave, there is little chance of reclaiming anything that is left behind. If you are fearful of hiding these things in your home, then find a friend or family member that will keep them.

Next, get an alternative address, now; some place where future financial statements and important documents etc. can be sent to you. This is very important because if you change addresses after your escape, some institutions will send confirmation of your new address to your old address. You do NOT want your abusive partner finding out your new residence this way.

Find somewhere to escape to, whether it is distant friends or a shelter, and make arrangements. Open your own bank account with whatever money you can secret away. If you are taking children with you, it is probably a good idea to keep them in ignorance until you are all successfully relocated. A child might accidentally let the secret out before you are ready to make the move. In fact, it is a good idea to tell NO ONE except the one friend or family member who is helping you.